I've been feeling really shitty lately. About a few different things but mainly my mum and my future. I started back on my meds and I dunno if that's what's doing it or what. I'm worried about where my life is going and what I plan to do for a career. I mean my plan has always been to do something in art, and I've wanted to do Illustration for a while now, and I still do but now I feel like I'll never be able to do it. Like I've always said if someone saw my work and really liked it, I could be hired on the spot, without any schooling or anything. But how realistic is that? How often does that happen? And even if it did, if someone's looking for an artist they'd most likely want one with experience in lots of different media and be able to do a variety of different things. No one hires an artist that's only good at one thing. I love life drawing and figure drawing and I can do it, but I've never honed that skill because I've always just wanted to do cartooning. But even cartoonists would've had to study different methods like figure drawing and realism, they would've had to go through schooling to learn and work on perfecting those skills. Every mentor I've talked to about the subject has always said draw everyday, draw as much as you can. And I do draw pretty much everyday, but it's all the same stuff, it's all cartoons. I have done other media like pastels, oil paint, acrylic, charcoal, gauche, and all that kind of stuff. So I know how but I don't do it frequently. I have a portfolio set up with some different things but they'd probably want it to be much more extensive. I've done different media before but I'm just mediocre at it all, and you have to be really good at all of them to get anywhere. I know everyone's gunna say "practice, practice, practice" but I need help and guidance in a class or something, and I don't have the money for that. And even if by some miracle I got the money, and learned everything I needed to know, and graduated, then what? Who needs Illustrators? What if no one needs one, and I couldn't get a job anywhere? That would've been all a waste. I mean I don't even know if Illustrator is a realistic dream. Is it? There's only a handful of jobs I can think of that require the skills I have. Maybe I'm working towards an unreachable goal. I'm wondering if I should look somewhere else, but this is all I have. Art has always been the only thing I ever loved and was good at, I have nothing else.
My biggest fear has always been that I’d end up in a cubicle like my mum. I’m just scared that I’m gunna be stuck working at a retail store or Tim Horton’s or something like that for the rest of my life. That’s probably a stupid fear, but I’m terrified of it. I joke that I’m going to be one of the vagrants on the streets of Toronto drawing doodles for change, and though I don’t believe that I’ll become homeless, I fear my life is on the same downward slope and I‘m running out of time. I guess I’m just kind of lost and scared at the moment. I get like this sometimes, I’ll just hate everything I draw and think I’m completely untalented and inept at everything, and wonder how I’ll ever make something of myself when I have nothing to offer the world. Hence the name I guess, right? lol
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